I’m trying to get a job managing a celebrity’s web presence.
Recently Kanye admitted to paying two assistants to update his greatestintheentireworld blog. At first I was shattered by this news. I was all, Kanye, how could you?! Why would you lie to me? I thought we had something. I’m going to go get an order of Nachos Bellgrande and maybe some Buffalo Chicken Kickers, and when I get back, I want you gone.
And then I was all, Why didn’t you hire me? I. Love. You. No one knows you like I do.
But then I was all, Oh Kanyeeze, I can’t stay mad at you. Of course you can have top of my Jello Pudding Snack!
Anyway, if you know any celebrities in search of a Wanny (I just made that word up just now. It’s like a combo of Web and nanny. But I invented it, so if you see it somewhere else remember it was MINE FIRST. MINE!), let me know.
Cleverly disguised as a Pittsburgh cell phone number, this number actually belongs to an evil baby-eating telemarketer. I’m sure you are familiar.
The call begins with a brief delay as the recorded message clicks on. Then, “BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAARRRRR”–a fog horn rumble explodes from your phone and smacks your ear drum upside its head, causing you to spill your extra hot grande caramel macchiato on your lap. As you are tending to your 2nd degree burns, a jolly, yet authoritative, voice crunches through the receiver. “This is your captain speaking. You’ve been selected to receive a free trip to Nassau, Bahamas.” (At this point I hang up so I don’t know what happens next but I’m pretty sure it involves giving your social security number, mother’s maiden name and major account numbers.)
I just thought I’d share the phone number with you so that you don’t waste valuable time and espresso beverage answering the call.
This had been my good deed of the month. You’re very welcome. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to go run a pyramid scheme or something to get all this good karma off of me.
Today’s Gaurdian has an article that warns against buying cheaper, potentially lower-quality products to cushion the blow of recession. The article focuses on the British Standards Institute (BSI), a quality control agency similar to what the Yanks call Consumer Reports, which awards a special Kitemark symbol to products it deems to be particularly safe or high quality.
But I liked the article because it had lots of fun facts about condom quality testing.
Testing condoms is a time-consuming and repetitive business.
Unlike condom use, which, depending on the user, is just as repetitive but less time consuming. ZING!
In what is known as the pinhole test, condoms are attached to a machine with 14 funnels and filled with 300ml of water. Once detached from its funnel, each condom is rolled across a large piece of blotting paper to see whether any liquid has seeped out.
To verify the worthiness of a batch of 150,000 condoms, 315 are put through their paces. If three leak, the batch is scrapped.
It’s like they say, three bad condoms spoil the whole bunch. And could turn you into this:
And now I bid you adieu and bon weekend with one final tidbit of knowledge:
Latex condoms can expand to hold at least 18 litres (five gallons) [of air].
I’ve been using Radiant Touch Moisturizing Toner from Nordic skincare line Lumene for a few months now (which is why my skin has been so dewy and gorgeous lately thanks for noticing), but somehow I completely missed this miracle elixir’s secret ingredient until my roommate (who is soooo cute and a great dancer and didn’t tell me to write this about her) pointed it out to me today.
You probably can’t read it, but under “RADIANT TOUCH,” the label says, “with ARCTIC CLOUDBERRY.”
Arctic cloudberry? Arctic cloudberry? Does anyone else think that sounds like something the Smurfs would eat? Have the cosmetic biochemical engineers over at Lumene been stealing from the Smurfs? OHMYGOD ARE THEY GARGAMEL?
It all makes sense. Skin this good can only be the result of socialist propaganda.
I would love to tell those of you who don’t know who Joe E. Tata is all about him. Unfortunately my usual (and only) source has proven rather unhelpful this time around.
WHY DO YOU FAIL ME, INTERNT?! WHY!?
FYI: Pat Morita’s entry is about 21 times as long. Ed Alonzo–who played Max, owner of The Max, on Saved By the Bell–gets almost twice as many characters!
From Wikimedia Commons. Source: Thinking, Feeling, Doing by E.W. Scripture, 1895
People see things differently. And I don’t mean they perceive situations in different ways because their opinions have been shaped by the array of variables that make us each unique. I mean their eye-brains literally process images differently. That’s weird!
Like to me this blog is blue–as blue as the fresh cut grass. But does it look that way to everyone?
Yo, peep this hilarious cartoon from the Arthur administration!
LOL (from the NYPL's digital image collection)
Most of you probably don’t remember President Chester Aurthur because he falls somewhere below Millard Fillmore and Warren G. Harding on the Forgettable Presidents Scale. He was Vice President for James A. Garfield, best known for hating Mondays and loving lasagna, and took office after JAG was assassinated in 1881. Arthur is best known for his awesome mustache, but he did other stuff, too.
FYI: The white elephant in this cartoon is Roscoe Conkling, an uber-powerful New York Senator and political boss. Conkling and Arthur were buddy-buddy before Arthur became president and decided to swap his cronyist hat for a reformer hat, but his presidency reminded tainted by the old relationship. Consider yourself educated in late 19th-century politics.
Perez, if you are reading this (which, duh, you are) I think we should be either best friends or mortal enemies. I’d be OK with either. Let me know. TTYL.
Update: My friend Jillian C. York pointed out that Perez Hilton probably found out about about my blog from my bff Kanye. So I have to say thanks to Kanye for bringing me and my new bff/mortal enemy(?) together.
