Dear Reader (a.k.a. Jill),

1. Look! I changed my layout.

2. Kanye has been in the news again. This time it’s because he canceled his Fame Kills tour with Lady Gaga, Duchess of Underwear and Fierce Beats.

Kaaaaaanye, I’m getting exhausted. I do my best to never ever update LVH because I’m clearly too cool and busy to blog, but you, with all of your dopey headline making, are making this nigh impossible. That’s right, I said nigh! I have half a mind to heap my devoted fandom and superior journalism skills on another member of the hiphop community. Probably Drake. Because he used be on Degrassi, but now he sings really slutty rap songs.

Canadians are so dirty!

This girl didn’t actually end up being on the show for “family reasons.” Yeah, OK…

How sad do you think the producers were when she dropped out? Now Tyra’s going to have to bring the cray cray all by herself.

It’s never too soon to start thinking about the holidays, so I’ve decided to give you a little holiday gift giving guide preview. You can expect a full-length guide sometime in early November, but your expectations probably won’t be met because I’ll be too busy stealing leftover Halloween candy from kids to worry about everyone else’s gift-giving needs. I know I’m no saint…but I do love fun size Twix!

Gift Idea #1: If you know any seven-year-old boys who love to dance, they will go totally bonkers when they find this under the holiday tree:

It features all of his favorite jamz by Bach, Sousa, even a super dope traditional Armenian folk song! Whoever thought of making a classical music CD marketed directly at hyper active little boys is brilliant because everyone knows that little boys love three things: 1) breaking shit, 2) jumping off stuff, and 3) Rimsky-Korsakov. Park Slope mommies, you better put in your orders on Amazon now, because I highly doubt supplies will last. And would you wouldn’t want to miss out on a precious conversation like this one:

Mom: I put on your favorite CD so you can dance around the foyer (pronounced foy-ay).
Alister-Treebark: Thank you, Mummy! I love Linkin Park!
Mom: No not Linkin Park, silly. All rock music is worthless unless it was written by Morrisey or before 1973.
Alister-Treebark: Oh, is it the White Album?
Mom: No, I’ve completely lost my faith in the Beatles. I can’t believe they sold-out to a video game company. Their music should really only be enjoyed in its original vinyl form.
Alister-Treebark: You’re quite right, Mum. But then what CD did you put on?
Mom: Boys Gotta Dance!
Alister-Treebark: Hurrah! Oh, thank you thank you thank you! You know how much I love Rimsky-Korsakov. You’re the best mom ever! Can we read excerpts from Metamorphoses later because then this would just be the greatest day ever!

Come back in November for more great gift giving tips!

As one of the blogosphere’s top Kanye experts, I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to comment on recent Ye-vents. Frankly, I don’t really have anything to add to what’s already been said about Sir West’s behavior. Curse you, Joy Behar, for stealing my thunder. Again.

Instead, here’s the Mr. Belvedere opening:

Does anyone else not remember it being that catchy? Good god! It’s like Scott Joplin hooked up with the cast of Cheers. Amazing.

Wool and the Gang is a French company that sells kits like the one above to help fabulous people knit stuff. Kits run from around $70 to almost $200 for this super attractive poncho pattern.

OK, I get that Wool and the Gang uses the highest quality yarn and fashionable patterns, but $150 to knit my own scarf? Surely you jest.

Incidentally, this fall I’ll be starting a DIY shoe cobbling company called Knock Knock Shoes There. It’s pretty much going to be like Ikea but for shoes. Look for it.

LVH has recently enjoyed a surge of new fans. So they’re all Russian…and spammers. So what? Don’t think that will stop me from loving them. Spammers are people, too. Sort of. And they say such lovely things like:

rated site this lexiekossblog.wordpress.com formidable to see you have what I am actually looking for here and this this post is exactly what I am interested in. I shall be pleased to become a regular visitor

Sigh. So sweet. Thanks, FutVette

So, in honor of all my new Russian fans, here’s a video of beloved Russian figure skater Ilia Kulik wearing a flowy white shirt!

Back on March 4, I posted the “Will I Follow You Back on Twitter” flowchart to Twitter. It got over a hundred views, which I thought was pretty cool because I only had about sixty followers at the time. I congratulated myself on creating a nice little mini-meme and continued on with my life.

Flash forward to May 29…

Today, out of boredom and narcissism, I decided to google “Will I follow you back on twitter,” hoping to see my tweet somewhere in the results. (Oh, stop judging me. Not all of us have hobbies or cats.) The flowchart was the top result (cool) with one serious problem. Instead of being directed to my Twitpic, I was directed to this Twitpic from Cheth. With nearly 7000 views!

I’m excited that so many people have viewed my super lame doodle, but I’m cheezed as heck that Cheth chose to post his own twitpic instead of retweeting me and directing people to mine. That’s just bad manners. Retweet or don’t give credit at all, but please don’t take credit for something that isn’t yours, no matter how silly it may be.

Served.

The following took place between 8:33 and 8:38 AM. I have taken some liberties due to gaps in memory and suboptimum snooping positioning for the first few minutes of the conversation. I was eventually able to move closer.

Twenty-something GUY, who would be good looking were it not for his receding chin and overbite, and GIRL, average-to-frumpy looking and in her mid-twenties, are sitting at the front of the 86 bus talking. Girl is holding a copy of the Economist. Guy is turned around in his seat to talk to her. They know each other from a grad school class, though she clearly wishes they didn’t.

GUY: You did really well on the last test.

GIRL: How would you know?

GUY: I was sitting right behind you. I was cheating off of you.

GIRL: No you weren’t.

GUY: No I wasn’t. You need to write bigger next time…You have very nice, tiny penmanship.

GIRL: No I don’t. I have Catholic school penmanship.

GUY: Is it true they hit you with rulers?

GIRL: What? Please stop talking. (Holds magazine up to cover her face.)

GUY: So you won’t even look at me now?

GIRL: No one is interested in hearing our conversation. (Not true. I am)

GUY: What do you and your friend talk about in the class? What’s her name? Mary?

GIRL: It’s Heather.

GUY: I’m going to call her Mary.

GIRL: She’s not going to like that.

GUY: It’s OK. We never talk in class anyway. You talk to everyone in that class. You’re like social butterfly.

GIRL: Yeah, I make friends easily.

GUY: So let’s be friends.

GIRL: No.

GUY: You want to form a study group?

GIRL: What? No. You’re doing worse than me. Why would I want to be in a study group with you?

GUY: You’re doing better now, but you might need me.

GIRL: No.

GUY:  I think the class is going to get harder.

GIRL: I don’t care.

GUY: Dividends, bumper stocks, money stuff, financial terms. (Some liberties have been taken with the previous statement.)

GIRL: Please shush.

GUY: Did you just shush me? This isn’t a library.

GIRL: It’s early. No one wants to hear our conversation. (Again, false.)

GUY: So what do you usually do on the bus in the morning?

GIRL: Sit quietly and read.

GUY: You never talk? I see you talking sometimes.

GIRL: I talk to my friend Charlie sometimes. He works at Newbury Comics. He’s like really punk rock. He’s really cool,

GUY: Is that what you’re into on the weekends? Punk rock?

GIRL: Oh yeah.

GUY: You spike your hair and wear the heavy eye makeup and everything?

GIRL: Yup.

GUY: That’s weird for a Republican.

GIRL: What?

GUY: It’s OK. I’m a Republican, too. Do you watch a lot of FOX News?

GIRL: Oh my God. Shut up.

GUY: We have so much in common.

GIRL: Yes, we do.

GUY: I don’t know why you fight it.

GIRL: Wait, no. We don’t. We have nothing in common.

GUY: I really think we should form a study group.

GIRL: When are you getting off?

GUY: The next stop I guess.

GIRL: OK.

Public transportation rocks! Happy belated Earth Day!!!!

Hipsters are wack here. And continue to be so here. I’m going to go knit something for my cat now

or whatever.

blaaah

Dear Celebrity,

I was super excited to see your listing for a social web presence manager on Craigslist! I love the Internet and have been seeking an opportunity like this one to which I can contribute my enthusiasm, creativity and self-starterness!

As a person under 25 with a Facebook page and a Twitter account, I am familiar with adeptly navigating the complex world of social media. I have harnessed my Facebook newsfeed to report such major events as:

• Lexie is excited for her bday party 2night! wear glitter
• Lexie thinks the new Kanye jam=the new hotness
• Lexie is STRESSED GAAAAAAAHHHH! fml

On Twitter, I follow several celebrities including Barak Obama (I luv politics), Ellen (!!!!) and Shaq. In addition to showing that I’m a really skilled Twitterer, this points to my comfort around famous people.

Again, I am so super stoked about this opportunity. I think working with you would be killah! I see the fact that you’re a little washed up and haven’t really had a hit song since 2001 as an opportunity. I believe together, with the help of the Internet, we can make your star shine even more brightly and turn you into a regular on TMZ! (Internet famous=the new regular famous )

Thanks so much for this opportunity. If you have any questions you can hit me back on my Myspace or DM me in da Twittosphere! I look forward to hearing from you.

XOXO,
Lexie