Something for the fans

LVH has recently enjoyed a surge of new fans. So they’re all Russian…and spammers. So what? Don’t think that will stop me from loving them. Spammers are people, too. Sort of. And they say such lovely things like:

rated site this lexiekossblog.wordpress.com formidable to see you have what I am actually looking for here and this this post is exactly what I am interested in. I shall be pleased to become a regular visitor

Sigh. So sweet. Thanks, FutVette

So, in honor of all my new Russian fans, here’s a video of beloved Russian figure skater Ilia Kulik wearing a flowy white shirt!

Douchenozzlery

Back on March 4, I posted the “Will I Follow You Back on Twitter” flowchart to Twitter. It got over a hundred views, which I thought was pretty cool because I only had about sixty followers at the time. I congratulated myself on creating a nice little mini-meme and continued on with my life.

Flash forward to May 29…

Today, out of boredom and narcissism, I decided to google “Will I follow you back on twitter,” hoping to see my tweet somewhere in the results. (Oh, stop judging me. Not all of us have hobbies or cats.) The flowchart was the top result (cool) with one serious problem. Instead of being directed to my Twitpic, I was directed to this Twitpic from Cheth. With nearly 7000 views!

I’m excited that so many people have viewed my super lame doodle, but I’m cheezed as heck that Cheth chose to post his own twitpic instead of retweeting me and directing people to mine. That’s just bad manners. Retweet or don’t give credit at all, but please don’t take credit for something that isn’t yours, no matter how silly it may be.

Served.

86 BUS CONVERSTION

The following took place between 8:33 and 8:38 AM. I have taken some liberties due to gaps in memory and suboptimum snooping positioning for the first few minutes of the conversation. I was eventually able to move closer.

Twenty-something GUY, who would be good looking were it not for his receding chin and overbite, and GIRL, average-to-frumpy looking and in her mid-twenties, are sitting at the front of the 86 bus talking. Girl is holding a copy of the Economist. Guy is turned around in his seat to talk to her. They know each other from a grad school class, though she clearly wishes they didn’t.

GUY: You did really well on the last test.

GIRL: How would you know?

GUY: I was sitting right behind you. I was cheating off of you.

GIRL: No you weren’t.

GUY: No I wasn’t. You need to write bigger next time…You have very nice, tiny penmanship.

GIRL: No I don’t. I have Catholic school penmanship.

GUY: Is it true they hit you with rulers?

GIRL: What? Please stop talking. (Holds magazine up to cover her face.)

GUY: So you won’t even look at me now?

GIRL: No one is interested in hearing our conversation. (Not true. I am)

GUY: What do you and your friend talk about in the class? What’s her name? Mary?

GIRL: It’s Heather.

GUY: I’m going to call her Mary.

GIRL: She’s not going to like that.

GUY: It’s OK. We never talk in class anyway. You talk to everyone in that class. You’re like social butterfly.

GIRL: Yeah, I make friends easily.

GUY: So let’s be friends.

GIRL: No.

GUY: You want to form a study group?

GIRL: What? No. You’re doing worse than me. Why would I want to be in a study group with you?

GUY: You’re doing better now, but you might need me.

GIRL: No.

GUY:  I think the class is going to get harder.

GIRL: I don’t care.

GUY: Dividends, bumper stocks, money stuff, financial terms. (Some liberties have been taken with the previous statement.)

GIRL: Please shush.

GUY: Did you just shush me? This isn’t a library.

GIRL: It’s early. No one wants to hear our conversation. (Again, false.)

GUY: So what do you usually do on the bus in the morning?

GIRL: Sit quietly and read.

GUY: You never talk? I see you talking sometimes.

GIRL: I talk to my friend Charlie sometimes. He works at Newbury Comics. He’s like really punk rock. He’s really cool,

GUY: Is that what you’re into on the weekends? Punk rock?

GIRL: Oh yeah.

GUY: You spike your hair and wear the heavy eye makeup and everything?

GIRL: Yup.

GUY: That’s weird for a Republican.

GIRL: What?

GUY: It’s OK. I’m a Republican, too. Do you watch a lot of FOX News?

GIRL: Oh my God. Shut up.

GUY: We have so much in common.

GIRL: Yes, we do.

GUY: I don’t know why you fight it.

GIRL: Wait, no. We don’t. We have nothing in common.

GUY: I really think we should form a study group.

GIRL: When are you getting off?

GUY: The next stop I guess.

GIRL: OK.

Public transportation rocks! Happy belated Earth Day!!!!

Making Fun of Hipsters is the New Plaid

Hipsters are wack here. And continue to be so here. I’m going to go knit something for my cat now

or whatever.

blaaah

Cover letter for Dream Job

Dear Celebrity,

I was super excited to see your listing for a social web presence manager on Craigslist! I love the Internet and have been seeking an opportunity like this one to which I can contribute my enthusiasm, creativity and self-starterness!

As a person under 25 with a Facebook page and a Twitter account, I am familiar with adeptly navigating the complex world of social media. I have harnessed my Facebook newsfeed to report such major events as:

• Lexie is excited for her bday party 2night! wear glitter
• Lexie thinks the new Kanye jam=the new hotness
• Lexie is STRESSED GAAAAAAAHHHH! fml

On Twitter, I follow several celebrities including Barak Obama (I luv politics), Ellen (!!!!) and Shaq. In addition to showing that I’m a really skilled Twitterer, this points to my comfort around famous people.

Again, I am so super stoked about this opportunity. I think working with you would be killah! I see the fact that you’re a little washed up and haven’t really had a hit song since 2001 as an opportunity. I believe together, with the help of the Internet, we can make your star shine even more brightly and turn you into a regular on TMZ! (Internet famous=the new regular famous )

Thanks so much for this opportunity. If you have any questions you can hit me back on my Myspace or DM me in da Twittosphere! I look forward to hearing from you.

XOXO,
Lexie

Putting it out there

I’m trying to get a job managing a celebrity’s web presence.

Recently Kanye admitted to paying two assistants to update his greatestintheentireworld blog. At first I was shattered by this news. I was all, Kanye, how could you?! Why would you lie to me? I thought we had something. I’m going to go get an order of Nachos Bellgrande and maybe some Buffalo Chicken Kickers, and when I get back, I want you gone.

And then I was all, Why didn’t you hire me? I. Love. You. No one knows you like I do.

But then I was all, Oh Kanyeeze, I can’t stay mad at you. Of course you can have top of my Jello Pudding Snack!

Anyway, if you know any celebrities in search of a Wanny (I just made that word up just now. It’s like a combo of Web and nanny. But I invented it, so if you see it somewhere else remember it was MINE FIRST. MINE!), let me know.

Miss Universe proves she’s more than a beauty queen

She’s also a moron.

412-401-5420=EVIL

Cleverly disguised as a Pittsburgh cell phone number, this number actually belongs to an evil baby-eating telemarketer. I’m sure you are familiar.

The call begins with a brief delay as the recorded message clicks on. Then, “BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAARRRRR”–a fog horn rumble explodes from your phone and smacks your ear drum upside its head, causing you to spill your extra hot grande caramel macchiato on your lap. As you are tending to your 2nd degree burns, a jolly, yet authoritative, voice crunches through the receiver. “This is your captain speaking. You’ve been selected to receive a free trip to Nassau, Bahamas.” (At this point I hang up so I don’t know what happens next but I’m pretty sure it involves giving your social security number, mother’s maiden name and major account numbers.)

I just thought I’d share the phone number with you so that you don’t waste valuable time and espresso beverage answering the call.

This had been my good deed of the month. You’re very welcome. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to go run a pyramid scheme or something to get all this good karma off of me.

I already posted this on Twitter

But I can’t be expected to come up with original content for Twitter, and Facebook, and my blog. Who do you think I am? James Brown.

I am simply not willing to work that hard.

Evolve

Things it’s OK to buy cheap when the economy sux:

• Toilet paper
• Vodka
• Pants

Things you should not scrimp on ever:

• Condoms

Today’s Gaurdian has an article that warns against buying cheaper, potentially lower-quality products to cushion the blow of recession. The article focuses on the British Standards Institute (BSI), a quality control agency similar to what the Yanks call Consumer Reports, which awards a special Kitemark symbol to products it deems to be particularly safe or high quality.

But I liked the article because it had lots of fun facts about condom quality testing.

Testing condoms is a time-consuming and repetitive business.

Unlike condom use, which, depending on the user, is just as repetitive but less time consuming. ZING!

In what is known as the pinhole test, condoms are attached to a machine with 14 funnels and filled with 300ml of water. Once detached from its funnel, each condom is rolled across a large piece of blotting paper to see whether any liquid has seeped out.

To verify the worthiness of a batch of 150,000 condoms, 315 are put through their paces. If three leak, the batch is scrapped.

It’s like they say, three bad condoms spoil the whole bunch. And could turn you into this:

And now I bid you adieu and bon weekend with one final tidbit of knowledge:

Latex condoms can expand to hold at least 18 litres (five gallons) [of air].

Daaaaaaang.

Safety first, kids! Don’t buy generic condoms.